PSYCHED of CRAZIES: Twilight Princess
by Leedle-leedle-lee
Summary: Are you tired of all the Sues in this fandom? Annoyed when Link falls for the perfect brat? A mute, Wanderer, is forced to become the new breed of Sue Hunter to combat this cause. She, her partner, his dog, and her evil kitten destroy these pests, one by one. Sues beware, the Careful Republic of Abnormalities Zanily Intercepting the Evil of Sues are out and ready to kill.
1. I Meet Jerry and Creeper Elf

**I don't own the Protectors of the Plot Continuum (PPC), the Sue Slayers United (SSU), nor anything you recognize. Period. The end.**

* * *

Hello, my name is Amara Eurynome. It's overly hard to spell, but I had no choice in the deal. Most people just call me Ara for short.

I want to say this right now - I'm a lanky twelve year old girl with frizzy, dishwater blonde hair that refused to grow past her elbows, gapped and very buck teeth (with a considerable underbite thrown into the mix), wiry muscles, and bags under her greenish silver eyes. I am _not_ perfect in any way, shape, or form, and I become extrememly aggrivated with those around me who seem to think so. I'm in no way pretty. Aside from the hair, teeth, bags, and wiry frame, I'm also the tallest girl in my grade.

I'm obsessed with reading books (both paper and fanfic alike), and I'm a total geek when it comes to playing video games (particularily Zelda). My vocabulary is large from all of this reading, and somehow my teachers take that as a sign that I'm a perfect angel. Really, I'm only perfect at holding up that mask. I _am_ smart, I guess, but things just come easily to me, so I don't see myself as a genuis, just someone a little ahead of her time.

My main problem in life is that I can't talk. Honest to goodness, I can't talk. I was mute through and through. The doctors didn't even know why I was, it just seemed that my vocal chords were disfunctional. It sucked, honestly, but I was healthy enough otherwise.

I do some sports, and I've been told that I'm good. XC (**cross country, FYI**) is my highest choice, with archery coming up in a close second (my famiy's rich, which is why I was allowed this chance). I tried fencing once, and was horrible. Snowboarding and skateboarding are both great fun to do in my free time, but I most certainly ain't the best at anything. I'm what you call a jack of all trades.

Now, I've had a pretty good life. My parents had a lot of money, and they were home about half the time. It was just what I needed, seeing as I couldn't read and game so much with them there all the time, hovering over my shoulder. I had no sassy little sisters or bossy big brothers.

And so that's why I'm sitting on my couch and waiting impatiently for Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess to load. I dropped the wii-mote down beside me while the opening credit things ran, and I jogged my way into the kitchen to fiond some chocolate.

Oh, yeah, I have a serious chocolate addiction. Everyone thinks that without all the running I did in XC, I'd have to weigh a good 300 pounds or more by now, not a proud 115. Before XC, I actually weighed only about 90, but all the running in circles brought me some muscles and sped up my metabolisim, thank goodness. Being that thin attracted way too much attention for my tastes.

I blinked once, and I was quite suddenly in the middle of a forest clearing with a waterfall and puddle-like lake thing. Yup, all in a blink.

It was eerily quiet, and I did not like that one bit. If I was hallucinating, I would've put some type of sound. I was a music person, without a doubt, and when I wasn't listening to music I was playing my little silver flute. Plus, I had some kind of mental problem with silences. They gave me the feeling that something really, really, _really_ horrible was about to happen. I disliked really, really, _really _horrible things, as any normal person would.

In short, I've come to the conclusion that this wasn't a delusion because there wasn't any music. Get it?

"You have been chosen to assist the Hero of Time," some voice said out of nowhere.

Now, I also had problems, like any realitively sane person, with voices that came from no visible source. So sue me.

So I signed, since I'm very unluckily mute, "Wha?" and I tensed to run. In the fight or flight category, flight won out without a doubt. Bravery is a thing that gets you killed, and I rather like living.

The voice sounded both guy and girl, which I honestly thought was some miles past the sign that said 'THAT'S SOME CREEPY CRAP RIGHT THERE', and answered slowly, "You, Amara, are destined to help the Hero of Old defeat the twilight."

"Wha?" I signed again.

"_You_, Amara Eurynome - "

"No, no, no. I heard you all right there. But what do you mean by the Hero of Old and twilight? If Edweirdo Sullen is anywhere around here, I'm leaving. That sissy vampire is a stalker through and through."

"You are in Hyrule," the voice said. "The Hero of Old is Link. The twilight is dusk, or gloam."

"Thanks for the vocab, Voice, but I already knew what twilight meant. I was just hoping differently. And... Doesn't Link defeat all this crap with Midna protecting/guiding him? Why does he need help? And why would he need it from me, where there's plenty of Mary-Sues floating all around to help him?"

Voice was obviously baffled, and I smiled at that. I just baffled a really weird voice. Wait... I was talking to a voice that came from nowhere. This wasn't good. Crap, crap, crap, and a poopie on top.

"Well?"

"Umm... Well... You see, the Sues have been creating problems within stories, the Universe likes balance, you see, and they bring in too much perfection. They inadvertently destroy the entire space time continuum within each universe, which isn't that good. With all the perfections, they punch holes through the fabric of space, and soon enough it becomes too frail and falls apart... Oh, and I'm getting tired of them invading this game... So... Yeah. You're here to clean them out."

"Aren't there real Sue Hunters out there? Like, the SSU and the PPC? Why aren't _they_ the professionals here?"

"They haven't noticed Twilight Princess yet. Too bad the Sues have."

"To voice my earlier question - why and how am I going to help Link?"

"You have to protect him from the Sues. You've read about them, yes?"

"Of course. You can't come across a fandom that doesn't have a Sue."

"Good. They you will be able to see how they're described. This will make your job much easier for you."

"Wha?"

"Assuming you agree to kill them, anyways."

"Wait, wait, wait. You said _nothing_ about _killing_. I am _not_ a killer. Period."

"Sues don't have souls. You aren't killing anything."

"Oh..." I thought this over. "Well, they always were so aggrivating... I guess I could. But why me?"

"You're imperfect. Not just your looks, but your personality. It would take a lot to make you become a Sue. Plus, you're the type that doesn't fall for the characters. You're the new breed of Sue Hunter... I hope..."

"Excuse me?"

"Well, Sue hunters usually try their best not to be known to those in canon at all. You'll be traveling with Link, yet you'll be hunting Sues. You'll be different - the new breed. But you need trained with a sword. And other types of defense. Otherwise you'll just get killed, and that won't look too good on my record."

"Do I have the choice to return home?"

"Nope."

"That sucks."

"Yeah, I guess it could. Oh well."

"So... When am I going into this game?"

"Four years before the beginning, of course. Leave the healthy OCs, kill the Sues."

I rolled my eyes. "Wow, that doesn't sound brutal at all."

"No, of course not. But you must act as if you've lost all memory. Otherwise it gets complicated. Very complicated."

"O-kay."

"I'll equip you, and then you must live off of your instincts."

"Sure. Who are you, by the way?"

"... You can call me Jerry."

"When will I leave?"

"When all of the Sues are gone. Here's your things."

"Thanks, Jerry."

Something I recognized as a dagger popped into existance along with a pair of clothes. I pulled on the tunic and leggings, which were a grey color that I didn't mind at all. There was a belt to hold down my dress/tunic with there was botomless pockets. I smiled happily and shoved my dagger into the little holder thingie that hung off the belt.

Who would've thought I'd be sucked into a game to iradicate Sues. And I knew this wasn't some delusion, seeing as everything was still eerily quiet and (as I've already told you) I have problems with silence.

I slipped into the tan pair of boots I'd been provided by Jerry.

"Hey... Jerry... Can I have my iPod?" I signed.

"No," he replied. "It's against canon."

"Oh. So I don't get, like, a rifile or anything?"

"You don't. Once again, it's not in canon."

"Can I have some type of ancient, in cannon Sue detector?"

Very reluctantly, he muttered, "Yes," and I very barely caught a silver necklace that had a glass ball about the size of a quarter on it.

It flashed a pretty blue color when I put it on, and I kinda saw that color reflecting behind my eyes. It's impossible to explain, really. Like someone hits you in the face with a beam of light, but it was... Eh, forget it.

"Thank you, Jerry. How will I know if it a Sue comes around?"

"You will get a red flash from it. Purple means a OC who's borderline Sue, and you need to kill those off also. Blue means an OC, so leave it. A green flash means cannon character. Also, most Sues will have their author's descriptions of their actions appear momentarily above their heads."

"'Kay. Can I have my flute?"

He seemed to think this over. "Sure."

My flute appeared next to me. I smiled to myself and shoved it into a pocket. "Thanks."

"There's one last thing... A lot of Sues have pets that defend them. Unicorns, horses, tigers. The like. So I'm sending down an animal to protect you when your back is turned."

"Okay..."

Down popped a little kitten. It was siamese, and really cute. However, really cute would do nothing against a horse or a tiger, if you know what I mean.

"What's its name?"

"His name is Little Bit."

The cat's eyes opened at that, and he looked around. Seeing me, he jumped up and ever so sweetly used his claws to climb up my leg. I finally tore him off at about my hips with a screech of "You meanie butt!".

I heard Jerry chuckle. Darn voice floating in the middle of nowhere. "Good-bye, Amara, and good luck."

And with that I blinked once again. I still had Little Bit in my arms, but I dropped him once he tried to take a chunk out of my right hand. Dang, that is one psychotic kitten.

I looked around. It was before the very beginning of the game, eh? And now there were some birds tweet-tweet-ing, and the music from the game seemed to be floating in the background. Weird, but I could deal. Except maybe in the Temple of Time... Assuming I even get that far...

And then a portal opened, and a girl came falling from the sky.

I watched her hit, and then something bright red flashed behind my vision. So that meant this was a Sue. Then, horrifyingly, over her head, appeared the words: "_Like a borken porcelan doll, a most beautiful gilr fell from the sky. Her hair was like the dark feathers of a black raven's shiney wing, and her skin was as paile as freshly fallnd snow._"

Well. The authoress was having problems spelling.

**Ex_cuse_ me? That's the _Sue's_ author, not yours, you tard_. _Watch it. I'll have Little Bit eat you.**

Ah. So this was a Sue. And, judging by the way Little Bit was glaring at her, I had the feeling she was not exactly awake.

**Oh, so you're ignoring me now? Hunh?**

You're the authoress. You're writing me. It's not my fault.

**Oh...**

Anyways... This Sue was out cold. But then, the words "_Wiht the beauty of beauty itself, Marilyn Helen Gracie Susie WhateverLink'sLastNameIs's jade green eyes opened._" popped into existance, so I decided to stab the thing before she could wake up and screech at me.

I felt bad for a half second, but then the girl blew up into a bunch of pink sparkles that nearly choked me to death. After that, I wasn't so sympatheitc.

Little Bit didn't seem to be much better off. He was hacking and trying to wipe the pink glitter from his little snout. I snorted at him before taking pity on his furry little soul and scooping him up. He didn't have enough time to claw me, seeing as I totally drop kicked him into the deeper part of the puddle-lake.

I heard some nasty hissing come from the water as the Sue-dust was absorbed. Wow. That's some vicious stuff, there.

Well, Little Bit wasn't the happiest kitten when he finally dragged himself out of the healing puddle.

At least, I believe Faron Spring was a healing puddle. Wasn't it? Yeah, yeah... Faron, the monkey who has an OCD with shiny things, was a light spirit here, so that meant this was a healing spring. Good. But that might not be so good when the Sue heals herself. Can Sues even heal? Yes, I suppose they could. They always do in stories...

"Well Little Butthead, we're gonna have to get some sword training. Do you have any idea where to go?"

The kitten gave me a blank look.

I sighed and walked out of the spring and towards Ordon. Maybe I could go to Rusl and see if I could find someone in Castle Town to tutor me in the art of killing things. That would work, hopefully.

So I started off at a nice six minute mile jog, and I should've been there in a minute or so.

It was a two hour run to make it to the rope bridge. Y'know, the scary looking one over a ravine that you can't even see the botom of.

And, of course, I was covered in sweat and probably looking very unlady-like by this point in time. Who cares, really?

I sped up to a sprint when I saw Ordon Puddle, and I was nearly flying when I finally saw Link's house. Then I was hit with a flash of red.

What? Two Sues? But why were they coming so far before the game started?

Shoving those thoughts back, I skidded to a stop.

Some "_angleic_" voice was coming from up by Link's front door. To me it sounded more like someone was puking, but I'll just keep that to myself.

"Linkie pooh," it called.

I was astonished when the twelve year old Link came out and stared at the Sue with googly eyes. It "_had the smile of a rose, and the skin of a leaf_". What? That skin of a leaf? The Sue was green?

Well, it looked pretty pale to me. And it's mouth was this really ugly color pink that reminded me of the other that had blown up into sparkles.

"Hello, Marilin Susanna."

Heh. Marilin Susanna? That made my name look like a breeze to spell.

"Linkie, I have a letter from my father, Mayor Bo," it gurgled. "Poor Ilia isn't feeling well enough to send it."

Feeling sickened, I scooped Little Butt, who's colapsed beside me sometime during that exchange, and threw him up at the Sue. I, somehow, managed to hit her in the back of the head.

There was a lot of hissing and screaming, but then that Sue burst into a whole heck of a lotta sparkles.

Link blinked while Little Butt jumped off the balcony with the air of someone who'd just gotten the the mail or poured a cup of coffee. The demonic kitten shot me a 'Yeah-I-Did-Just-Kill-A-Sue' look. I aimed a kick at him.

"Excuse me, but who are you, Miss? And why do I feel as if you have done me a great favor by killing Marilin Susanna?"

Times like these were when I hated being mute. But I made do, and motioned him to sit on the ground. I know I was sweaty and icky looking, but he'd better get used to it if we're gonna be traveling.

_I can't talk,_ I wrote in the dirt with a stick.

"What language is that?"

Crap. I don't know Hylian. What the heck am I gonna do to communicate? Er... Shrug! That's it, Amara, shrug.

Link gave me a blank stare in return. But then he too shrugged and said, "Marilin Susanna was always trying to get me to kiss her and other yucky things. What's your name?"

Shrug, shake.

"You do not know?"

Nod.

"Are you quite sure?"

I gave him a look.

He looked back. "Really sure?"

I nodded.

"Do you have no memory?"

Nod.

"Are you quite sure?"

Do you know a different phrase? Yeesh.

"Really sure?"

I think I'm gonna hate Jerry for making me go on a trip with Link.

"How horrid. Do you have anyone here who could help you?"

Er, no... Creeper Elf. Yes, I believe I shall call him Creeper Elf... Or CE when I don't feel like spelling that all out.

Predictably, I got up and sprinted as fast as I could to Rusl's house and away from Creeper Elf. There, I knocked and smiled when a six year old Colin opened the door. People, he was the cutest boy I'd ever seen. His blonde hair was all messy... Reminded me of some child star or another...

"Is your father home?" I tried to mime.

He gave me a smile that had to've hurt. "If you're asking if my father is home, then yep. But who are you?"

I grabbed some random stick and scratched my name into the dirt, hoping maybe he knew how to read English. Colin shrugged.

"I can't read," he said. "Where are your parents?"

I shook my head.

"Oh... I'm sorry for your loss. Where are you from?"

I shrugged. I can't very well say earth. That'll just freak him out. Plus, I had to be acting dumb.

"So you're just a wanderer, eh?"

I guess I was now. How funny. I nodded.

"Do you have a name?"

Shake.

"Can I give you a name?"

I gave him another nod. After all, I don't think I'd like to just be known as 'Her'.

Colin's face lit up. "Really? How 'bout... Wanderer? And then I can just call you Wanda."

I liked it. Wanderer. And Wanda was so much easier to say that Amara, which rolled off the tounge oddly.

So with a smile that could blind, Colin let me into his home. His father was holding a cup of tea, and Uli was nowhere to be seen.

"Hey, dad, guess what?" Colin chirped.

Rusl looked up, gave me a long look, and then turned his eyes to Colin. "Who is she, son? And why is she so oddly dressed?"

"She doesn't talk, da. It's kinda weird, but in a good way. She was looking for you."

I gave him a slight bow. He gave me a respectful nod in return.

"She said I could name her, though, since she doesn't have one. So now she's Wanderer, but I get to call her Wanda."

"Colin, I believe your mother would like some help skinning the potatoes for dinner," Rusl prodded. Off Colin went. Once he was really gone, Rusl smiled at me slowly. "You must be very kind, Wanderer, for my son to have warmed up to you so fast. What can I do for you?"

I walked over to his table, picked up a pencil (yeah, they had pencils), and scribbled on a piece of paper, _I need to learn to fight, sir, and I think you can help me._

I prayed to whatever god that was out there that he could read English.

Rusl's eyebrows shot up. "Where did you learn that language, Wanderer?"

My eyes rolled up to the heavens and I thanked whatever deity had answered my prayr. And then I leaned over the paper again and wrote, _I don't know, sir. I have lost my memory, and I know nothing of my own history._

That was oddly smart for little ol' me. Usually I wasn't so good at pulling things together, and lying was certainly not my strongsuit.

"Really? How unlucky. Why do you think I could be of any help?"

_You know many people in Castle Town, or so many say. I've heard of a man who lives outside of Hyrule in the mountains with his daughter Ashei. I was hoping you could lead me to him._

Rusl paled, and then his face got really grim. "Who are you? How do you know of this? How do you know of Rephilam?"

_I can't tell you,_ I wrote, _for I know nothing myself._

"Do you know where he lives? Do you know the country?"

_I don't know. Maybe._

"They all write in English there. It is nameless and primative, filled with wilderness and uncivilized natives."

O-kay. Thanks for the info.

"Why do you feel the need to train with Rephilam?"

_Because I have to,_ I scribbled shortly, hating how melodramitic it sounded.

Rusl sat for a while, staring at me. I had the feeling that he was assessing me. Creeper Number Two. Dearest piles of crap, was this game gonna be filled with 'em?

"It is a long journey, Wanderer. We will leave shortly."

* * *

And that is how I got _here_.

_Here_ = Freezing half to death on the side of Snow Peak, hoping desperately that the crazy old man who was leading me was actually leading me to a real place.

It was really, really, really, really, _real-a-fricken-ly _cold.

I'd been traveling for about a month, and I was really not looking forward to the month _back_ I'd have to travel so that I could fufil my promise to Colin and so I could sweep all of the Sues outta Ordon. Yea, I'd signed up for two months of heck because of that sweet little kid's cuteness and Creeper Elf's inability to _not_ be romanced by any Sue to cross his path.

Darn elf...

...

Hylian...

_..._

_Whatever._

My goldfish, this cold was numbing my brain, too.

Crap.

Heh...

...

Crapcicle...

...

Get it?

...

Crap?

Icicle?

Mixed together?

...

My goldfish, this cold was numbing my brain, too.

Crap...

...

Heh...

...

Crapcicle...

...

Get it?

...

Crap?

Ici -

"We're here," Rusl announced finally. "Are you quite sure you want to begin Rephilam's vigorous training? Is the art of the sword that important to you?"

I gave him a look and stumbled my way to the mansion that would serve as my home for the next four years. Little Butt was tucked away in one of my coats, and he shifted a bit.

Faintly, I heard Rusl shout a good-bye. I waved over my shoulder and knocked on the large door.

A kinda old, black haired, heavy lidded man opened the door. He stared at me for a total of three milliseconds before ushering me in.

"You must be cold, little one. Come, come. I am Rephilam, and my daughter and I have been tracking your progress to our little fortress. You were with Rusl, which means you must be a stray who wanted taught. Am I right?"

I blinked. It took a few seconds to sort out what he said through his thick accent, the sudden rush of warmth, how grand this mansion was, and (did I happen to mention) the warmth. So it was understandable for me to nod dazedly.

"Good, good. My Ashei is a master swordswoman. I am proud to see another woman so willing to learn. I believe your lessons will begin tomorrow."

So... Warm...

"Ashei is tending to the soup; dinner will be in an hour. I will lead you to your room."

I bumbled after him, relishing in the ability to feel my toes, and gasped soundlessly at the acres of space my room contained. There was the biggest four poster bed I'd ever seen, a very plush couch and chair set. A vintage desk. Dressing table, dresser, wardrobe... Everything I could ever dream of.

All of the fabrics were this airy blue color, and all of the wood was some type of ash... I think... Eh. It was beautiful, none the less.

"You like, yea?"

I swiveled to see a twenty-one year old Ashei leaning on the doorpost with a slightly amused look on her face. I nodded rigorously.

"Do you talk?"

Shake.

She tilted her head. "Why?"

Shrug.

"Do you have some way of communicating?"

I motioned her to the desk and bent over the pencil and paper that had been sitting there. Quickly, I wrote, _I have two ways of communication. This way, and the way I prefer. I use my hands, and it's much quicker than writing all this out._

Ashei read over my shoulder. "Ah. Will you teach this way to me, yea? It is very important we communicate well."

I nodded and began stripping off the three or four layers of coat I was wearing. Those were thrown unceremoniously onto the bed, Little Butt mewed in protest once, and then I rolled my shoulders a few times to try to work the knots out. After that, I popped my fingers and began my lessons. First, basics. A, B, C.

Ashei barely had A and B down when her father came in and told us to get down to dinner. The soup was good, and it warmed what little bit of me hadn't thawed out completely. After that, Ashei insisted I get to bed, because tomorow would be hard.

Sigh. I wonder how many Sues I'll have to kill off. And what about Gary Stus?


	2. Eight Months and a Partner Later

**I own the Sues I make up and kill off, Wanderer, Butt, Jace, James, somewhat Rephiliam, the CRAZIES, MADS, PSYCHOs, RABIES, DDR, ADHD, CAT, URC, BBB, ABS, BSA, LOL, and the Squirrel Stoppers. Anything else recognizable is not mine.**

* * *

So... Tired...

"Wanderer, you must keep going, even if you are weary."

You know, I'd liked Rephilam well enough before he'd gotten me up at the crack of dawn. My liking for him went down when he gave me five minutes to get dressed, five minutes to eat, and then made me sit through a long, boring speech for a good hour. I was concerned more for my almost-empty stomach than I was for the blah, blah, of blah, as all girls with a guy's eating abilities deserve to be.

Then Ashei had chuckled to herself from the doorway and told her pappy to lay off. Bless her.

"Come, Wanderer. Up, down, left, right. It's easy."

I didn't even grace him with a glare, and I only concentrated on the torture device - er, spear - in my hands. Swing up, swing down, spin left, spin right. After a while, my brain just disconnected, and I don't really remember what was happening after that until my spear bounced off of something with a loud _clack!_

"You need to learn to hit harder," Rephilam scolded. "Your spear bounces off mine like a rubber ball off a sidewalk."

Wha?

_Clack!_

Dude. Not nice. I'm just trying to do the crap you told me to.

"Stay firm! No bounce!"

_Clack!_

"_Firm!_"

_Clack!_

Meaner tushel.

* * *

Well, that's how the next eight months played out. Rephiam would get me up at the crack of dawn, give me ten minutes to get dressed and eat, and then make me work with many different weapons.

Swordswomanship was an epic fail. I.E.: broadswords, one handed sabers, two handed sabers, cutlasses, borkkens, or katanas. Nothing would ever make me any better, or so I began to believe.

Spears, pikes, dories, and these weird thingies with long, deadly blades on both sides were all pretty easy for me to use after about three months of Rephilam telling me to be firm. You have no idea how much arm strength I gained from all of that.

Archery was easy at first, and then Rephilam the Slave Driver decided that I needed to learn to shoot a cross bow, and after that a two arrowed bow. I had absolutely _no_ aim with the latter.

Then there was throwing things. Yup, throwing stars, throwing knives, throwing razors... On and on. I wasn't that good, but I sure had a lot of fun.

Of course, there was small hand weapons. Dirks, daggers, poniards, knives, stilettos, etc. etc.. Ashei said I was good, but I don't exactly believe that.

And then we'd have lunch, which was usually venison scraps. Those were nasty at first, but then my taste buds went out of commission and all was well.

After lunch was stable time. Yeah, up here on the frigid mountain top, there was a full stable and arena thing. It was all (somehow) heated, and it smelt like hay and horse poo. Ashei had this big brown mare, and her pappy had a gelding of the same color. They graciously let me have this gigantic black gelding that went psycho when anything moved. Yeah, thanks.

I named him Twitch, and, very, very, _very_ slowly managed to get him to stop going ballistic. Some days, though, he still went crazy.

Basically, I learned to ride him, how to take a fall without hurting myself, and how to know whether or not to leave Twitch alone.

Following lessons with Twitch, Ashei and Rephilam would teach me the different monsters in Hyrule. I nearly went cross eyed, and I still couldn't tell the difference between a bokoblin, kagroc, and bulbin. Seriously, who could?

And then after that, they taught me to read and write Hylian, which was set up like English, but the characters were simply very different. Believe me, they were still confusing as all get out.

Ashei often trained with me, and she learned rudimentary sign language. I liked her sense of humor, and over time she became a kind of mother figure. Ish.

Her pappy was like my g-pa. My slave driver g-pa, but my g-pa none the less. He cooked some mean soup, and learned the hard way to never let me into a kitchen. I _can_ burn water.

Well, Little Butt had grown up, and now his name was simply Butt. He had a very endearing way of running into walls. I was still dubious of Jerry's decision to give me him.

And so we make it to today. I was going to start my very long (three months), very mind numbing (der) trip back to Ordon so I could flush out the Sues that had undoubtedly flocked there. I'd be stopping by Castle Town and Kakariko on my way, and making sure _those_ Sues wouldn't be making there way to our dear, dumb Creeper Elf.

In all, I'd be on the road for 2 and 3/4 months, in Castle Town for three days, Kakariko for one, and Oron for another three. I'd be on the road for less than half the time if I could bring Twitch with me, but I really didn't want that crazy horse out where he could trample some random kid. Plus, I'd never be able to get him down the mountain, across some others, and then past the white wolf thingies that like to take a chunk outta you.

"Wanda, you _will_ pack more than that, yeah?"

I jumped. Ashei was at the door, giving me her 'Don't-You-Even-Try-It' look.

"You know you need armour, and I won't let you into Hyrule without at least a dory, two cutlasses, twenty throwing stars, and a bow."

"But - " I began to protest with my fingers. I didn't need all that. It was way too much to deal with.

"No buts. You will need chain mail, with a plackart for your waist... I believe I have one your size..."

That would be ten to twenty more pounds to lug around. Plackarts protected everything below your, erm, breasts. They weren't very comfortable.

"... A pair of full greaves..."

Greaves protected your leg from the knee down, and weighed five or six pounds each.

"... Sabatons..."

Those guarded my feet from being slashed at. A pound or two each.

"... Gauntlets with a pauldron for your right arm - since you have the tendency to lean that way in lessons..."

Gauntlets would protect everything from my fingers to my elbows, they were 'bout eight pounds each. A pauldron was this metal guard that would basically make sure I didn't get my arm amputated above the elbow. They weighed a good twenty pounds.

"... I may even make you wear an armet..."

Armet = Helmet I really didn't want to wear.

I decided to stop her there. I could _not _carry around an extra 56 pounds. Nut-unh.

"Ashei," I signed, "I can't drag all that down the mountain and make it back in one piece."

"Of course... You're more of a speed person than a battle person, yeah?"

I nodded.

"Well then... I guess you can go without the helmet, one cutlass, and five of the throwing stars."

That's it?

I still had the nine pound dory, 56 pounds of armour, plus the extra ten pounds that was the rest of the weapons. That a whole, impossible 85 pounds, plus the four months' food they'd make me carry, an extra 50 or 60... Plus the water, which I would content myself with not thinking of. My belt may have been bottomless, but it didn't have a de-weighting thingie on it. I had to carry all that weight whether I had it strapped to my limbs or stored around my waist.

Ashei saw my look, and smiled. "It may seem like much now, little Wanderer, but once you are battling, you will be thankful."

And with that she left the room, obviously to go collect my weapons and 'needed' armour. I sighed sadly and noiselessly, and then threw a pair of warm pants into my belt. After them came a couple more pairs, then some shirts, and undies. I wouldn't need to pack much, since I'd be in Castle Town in a few days.

After that, I sat back with my silver flute. It now had a few scratches, but as a whole it was looking really good. I was tooting on it idly, sometimes snorting silently when a truly horrible ensemble of notes popped out.

"Wanderer, put these on."

What, no please?

None the less, I began pulling off my normal clothes and pulling on the soft, tan, cotton under layers Ashei had thrown at me. After that came some chain mail rings that fell across my, er, chest region, then some more mail that protected everything from my knees to my belly-button. The weight was noticeable, and I did not want to think of what it would be like when everything was in its place.

Then I put on my boots, and over them all of my leg gear was put on. I was now beginning to dread walking. The gauntlets and pauldron were a pain, but I was extremely surprised when they didn't feel quite as heavy as I thought.

When I signed this to Ashei, she grinned. "I had most of these de-weighted by a bit. This gear'll be the only ones you get with the easy way out. You like them, yeah?"

I did my impression of a bobble head in a dune buggy while I fumbled with my belt. Ashei pulled it out of my hands.

"Good. They were mine when I was younger. Now, come. We must fill your bag with food, and Father and I have something to gift to you.

Butt mewed once from my bed and followed me and Ashei as we went to the kitchen. On one side, there was a whole heck of a lotta dried foods and things. The other wall had jars of water and potions. The back wall was one large counter.

Ashei contented herself with running around and shoving random things into the belt. Dried meats, dried fruits, dried beans... Dried this, that, and the other... Bottles of potions, milk, cucco eggs, bread.

She then pulled a small, rough, and old-looking waterskin (kinda like a canteen, but floppy-er) out of some cabinent. "It's a 'skin that never empties, yeah?" she explained. "My father recieved it as a gift." She clicked it onto my belt along with another pouch, one I recognized as a money belt.

Catching my startled look towards the money pouch, she gave me a down right malicious grin. "It's empty, Wanderer. You can fill it yourself."

Dang. Call me an American, but I wouldn't mind if these rich people gave me a whole heck of a lotta money to blow in Castle Town.

Then Ashei clipped my belt on (Fully weighted... Whoopie...) and then began slicing up a hunk of cheese and a loaf of bread.

Simple cheese sandwiches were my last meal at home for the next three months. Rehiliam had slipped into the room sometime during this, and so we had a nice last meal.

And, just as quick as that, I was standing in the entryway with my stupid kitten tucked into my coat, and Rephiliam and Ashei both giving me looks as if to say, 'Don't die out there. It'll be hard to find someone else to beat the crap out of when you're on the other side.'

Sweet, yeah?

... Oh Lord, I'm picking up Ashei's accent.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I blanked out in terror until Rephiliam's voice shocked me outta my... Musings.

"Wanderer," he said in what I'd dubbed his 'I-Am-All-Knowing-And-So-On-And-So-Forth' voice. Once, about eight months of torture ago, I'd replied with my 'You-Sure-'Bout-That?' glance, which had gotten me a 'Yes,-I_-Am_-All-Knowing-And-So-On-So-Forth' look. My 'Because?' was given a 'Because-I-Just-Am' glare in reply_._ Confusing? Nah...

"You must leave now."

Really? I hadn't noticed.

"I wish you luck on this new journey, and hope you can hasten back to us. We will not miss your snarky attitude, but we shall miss being able to - ah, how do you put it - beat the crap out of you."

I'm rather proud of him, in a way. He learned to semi-cuss from little ol' blond me.

Now Ashei stepped foreword and pulled me into a bone crushing hug. I flailed about for a bit, then gave up and focused on breathing.

After she let me go and I sucked enough air in to stop feeling light headed, she said, "I do not want you to lie with a man in - "

And with that I blanked out the rest of her rant. It wasn't like me to blush, thank God(desses?), and I knew she had made it a life mission to make me turn cherry red.

"... And that is it. Good luck, and do not bring me home any childre - "

I shut the door. The end.

* * *

Well, the trip down the mountain was much like the trip up: Cold, cold, cold, and _very_ cold.

* * *

It took a week and a half to make it to Castle Town, and during that time I was almost constantly running from different monsters that wanted to take a chunk outta me. Great fun?

...

Not quite.

* * *

I met my first ever Gary Stu just inside the east gates. Yeah, did you know that Hyrule was actually layed out like the Wii version? I would've thought it was the Gamecube Version, since Link's always supposed to be a leftie... Eh...

He was an emo Stu, and apparently related to some dude named Sheik. I dunno who this Sheik was, but at that point in time I didn't care.

The fight didn't last long. I think he broke his own toe when he kicked me in the shin. It ended in a couple of shocked screams and a large poof of dark pink sparkles. Heh.

Some people gave me odd looks since I'd literally just stabbed a guy to death in the middle of the street, but all in all people seemed relieved that he was gone. Coolio.

One person even thanked me and gave me a flower. _That _creeped me out.

And the creeped-out-ed-ness forced me to quickly dismiss myself and run off to find some Sues or Stus.

By the end of the day, my tally was up to three. One Warrior Sue, who was a pain in the tuccas, one Dreamer Sue, of whom hadn't even seen me coming, and one 'Tri-Force' Sue. That one tried to blast me with some big thing of wisdom since she was "_relly Zelda's sister, and Link's betrootehd_' but, like every stubborn teen, wisdom bounced right off me without any effect.

So there.

I dragged myself to some random hotel, checked in using the Rupees I'd stolen off of the Dreamer Sue, and merrily skipped off to my room's bathroom. A well deserved shower/bath was in my future.

It took a long, long time to get out of the armour and then after that I hesitantly, somewhat fearfully, pulled off the nasty dewrag I'd been wearing and then the ribbon that was holding my rats nest - er, _hair_ - back in a weird bun for the last week and a half. I really didn't want to deal with all those tangles.

It's a well known fact of my life: My hair gets greasy, sweaty, full of dandruff, and matted when I go too long without washing it. Since my hair was now within an inch of my elbow (! ! ! !), it would be extremely evil to try to brush. Then again, I could just chop it all off and be done with the frizzy mess...

Not too bad of an idea, except that I'll be forty when I get this length back.

I sunk into the hot water, had a few seconds of pure bliss, and then grabbed a bar of soap. It smelled like watermelons, which I didn't see too possible, but it got all of the grime, slime, mud, and pink sparkles off of my poor little body. I had half a mind to see if I could buy some bars off the hotel.

Following the vigorous scrub, the water turned a very dark color so I got out and emptied the tub. It took about five freezing minutes to refill, and after that I began the epic task of washing my hair. First came this weird cream that got the dandruff off my scalp with just one wash (I was plotting to get a bottle of this crap back to my world and make a killing off of it), then came a primitive shampoo, conditioner, and after that was some more of the dandruff stuff.

However, my hair was still, unfortunately, knotted into something resembling unJamaican dreadlocks. Jamaican dreadlocks are just awesome, mine are simply terrible things bent on making me cry out in frustraion.

I picked up the bone comb right beside me, tossed it away with a silent snort, and then found a brush-ish thing.

The water was cold by the time I had my hair some sembelance of brushed. It was about to form chunks of ice when I finally had all of the frizz under control.

I could've sworn I heard a 'Hallelujah!' or two.

But thoughts like that were thrown out the window when I got outta the tub, scrubbed out my traveling gear, and then changed into a dress. Yes, most women in Castle Town wore dresses, which made me stick out like a sore thumb since I detested the tripping buggers. But I had to be stealthy and ninja-ish, so I would have to go incognito.

Insert sad sigh here.

Well, technically, I'm not in a dress, just a skirt and top, but you can understand what I'm saying. Unless you're a guy. Then you probably didn't get a word I just said.

My skirt was knee-length (so I wouldn't have a chance of falling flat on my rear) and tan, since you really can't have a black pair of clothes here - they all faded within a week's washing - and my blouse was also tan, just a little darker. Once again, guys, I'm sorry to have gotten so technical with ya'll. It happens.

I fastened my belt around the bottom of my blouse, had the dagger handing off one side, my purse off another, and the waterskin beside the purse.

I left the room to replenish my supplies. I was good on potions, I had enough dried meats, but I was in need of arrows, a knife sharpener, and bread. Yeah, not quite your average shopping list.

The lady at the front counter waved to me, seeming to be somewhat surprised that I was female. I could read it in her eyes, I sware.

Following my gut instinct, I aimed a kick at my kitten, who'd just come in the door after pulling a disappearing act after nearly being killed by the Warrior Sue's psychotic sparrow familiar thingie. I would have to get me one of 'em, and name him Jack in honor of Jack Sparrow, the awesomest pirate alive. Well, I guess he's not really alive, but whatever. Let me have my dreams, please.

Butt glared at me, then he looked really shocked that I was in a dress/skirt. You know a person doesn't wear a skirt when even their _kitten_ is shocked to see them in one.

My returning glare made his look cute. I stomped outside, towards some Sue of Stu I can blow some steam off on. Wow. I don't even feel bad about making them go poof. Is that too calloused?

I shrugged off the thought and took off toward the nearest weaponry. The men inside gave me a wide eyed look when I grabbed a dagger off the counter and stabbed a red headed Stu with "_the purple eyes of a small, frightened doe._" Why some author would give their Stu doe eyes is beyond me.

The sparkles went up, and I decided to put the dagger back on the counter and run for my life to a different weaponry. There, I made sure to keep my temper as I bought fifty arrows, a sharpener, and a tiny knife on a chain that had caught my eye.

The man at this store shot me a freaked out look when I smiled cheerily and skipped out the door, purchases in hand. After that, I went to the weird little bazaar that was in South Castle Town, bought quite a bit of bread, and 'accidentally' let some lady nearly loose her fingers when she tried to steal Butt from me.

So, predictably, I was asleep as soon as I got into my room. Who cares that my hair would, honest to goodness, be an afro once I woke up? I just wanted to get some shut eye.

* * *

The next morning dawned bright and (shudder) early. I was not a morning person, so all of this sunlight _was_ going to kill me. Soon.

My hair was impossibly curly and a total ball of knotted frizz. I brushed it out into a impossibly wavy ball of somewhat knotted frizz, pulled it back in a ponytail, and then pulled my dew rag (which had dried during the night) on to keep my bangs outta my face. I had morning breath, which I remedied by chewing on some mint leaves. Yup, they actually worked. Bizarre, eh?

I payed for another night, and went out to kill Sues with my bow, seeing as I was pretty much useless with anything else. The day passed quickly, and that was that. I only found one, and she was some random Pickpocket Sue with a whole sob story behind why she must "_dwell in these treeible streets, stealing from those more innocent tha myserlf_."

Boo hoo...

Poof.

Butt had disappeared, but I wasn't too worried about him. He would eat anything that got in his way.

After that, I just wandered around, trying to decipher signs. And then I came upon _It_.

Yes _It_ deserved italics and a capitalization.

_It_ was a set of three Sues. According to their author, they were reincarnated deities. To me, they were just nasty. Guys were ringed around them, and I sighed. Maybe I could just shoot an arrow through each and then run like a bat outta heck?

Sounds good to me.

"Stop!" Jerry's voice said from no where.

I jumped, whirled, and glared at where the voice'd come from.

"There is another I would like to send with you."

I qurked my eyebrow in interest.

"Do you agree to this request?"

I nodded slightly, something I had the feeling I would regret the rest of my life, and waited for Jerry to continue.

"Good. I would've sent him in anyways, since you need to learn to work together, since you're the first pair of partners in your department."

I gave him a look, asking 'Wha?'

"Your department.

"There are the MADS, the Mary Assasins, Deportations, and Suffering, which is part of the CRAZIES, the Careful Republic of Abnormalities Zanily Intercepting the Evil of Sues. The MADS are a sister department to the PSYHCOS, also known as the Perpendicular to the Sue's Yoda-like Changing of Healthy Enviormental Spaces.

"You are the first of the PSYCHOS, by the way.

"Now, the CRAZIES have a mutual benefits system with the Rehabilitation and Adapting of Brainwashed Invertbrates and Energy Stores, or the RABIES.

"There are many departments in the RABIES, such as the DDR (Department of Depressed Rodents), the ADHD (Astonishing Dog Hallucenations Department), the CAT (Cat Assocoiative Trainers), the URC (Unicorn Rehabilitation Center), the LOL (Large Otherworldly Lot), the ABS (Anphibious Bunch of Stuff), the SS (Squirrel Stopers), the BBB (Birds and Bats Business), and even the BSA (Bug Squishers Anomyous).

"The RABIES supply us with all of our animals, as long as we send back Sue-animals for them to rehabiltate and set free. They also deal in large energy weapons, usually from the futuristic universes, and kindly lend out most of the weapons people come into a universe with."

I was giving him a blank look, and I know it. I checked out after the PSYCHOS, I believe.

Someone's hand landed on my shoulder, and I jumped and swiveled, getting ready to backhand that idiot.

Glare already in place, I spun to look at whomever'd touched me. The dude was in jeans, which meant he must've been the dude from my world I'm supposed to work with. He was kinda scrawny, and I'd seen hotter boys. His teeth were a little crooked on the bottom, but compared to mine they were nothing.

All in all, he most certainly wasn't a Stu. The blue flash I got confirmed my conclusion.

He gave me a slow smile as this cute little black lab puppy pranced around my legs. "Hello."

I signed a 'hello' back.

His eyes got kinda wide, and then he started smiling really hard. "You speak sign language?" he signed fluently.

"Yep."

"Why?"

"I'm mute. Why do you?"

"My sister's deaf."

Ah. That's sweet, I guess. It makes my life easier, anyways.

The Sues had noticed him just then. The one with hair the "_color of flaming fire_" gave me an odd look.

"What are you doing over there, OC? And why are you with such an ugly Stu?" she asked in a voice "_dripping with flames_." Oh, so she was a dragon now, was she?

"Do you know how to use that?" my partner dude asked, pointing to my bow. What is his name, anyways?

I nodded.

"Good, 'cause I've never held a weapon a day in my life."

Crap. _This_ doesn't make my life easier.

The blue Sue looked over then. With "_tourtured eyes like the see_", she asked, "Dude, are you even a Stu? I don't remember you at the academy."

Academy? I shot my partner dude, of whom I shall refer to as MPD, a look. They had academies while we just got thrown in randomly and against our wills? No fair! The lab puppy barked a bit. The poor thing would get it's butt kicked by my Butt. So peppy, and yet so, so brainless.

The green one looked over after that. "Yeah, I don't remember either of them, Farore."

Farore was supposed to be green, you idiots. Everyone knew Farore was the Goddess of Courage, green, and had a fondness of giving triforce pieces to boys named Link. Der. Din was red, Goddess of power, and seemed to love giving her piece to someone evil. Nayru gave her pieces to Sue-ish princesses, was blue, and Goddess of Wisdom. It's not that hard to remember.

"Maybe they're canno - "

The Din-wanna-be suddenly started choking on her own flaming spit. Seconds later, she blew up into a small poof of hot pink sparkles.

Farore's-wanna-be was looking at the Nayru-wanna-be, who was looking at the small pile of Sue dust sadly.

"Are they usually this stupid?" MPD asked.

I shrugged. I hadn't been doing this job long enough to know whether or not this was benchmark idiocracy. If so, I dunno why they even sent me in.

"So, are you gonna kill them now?"

I ignored him and looked around. Where was he...?

... Ah, yes, there's my Butt. Good kitty. Aim for the jugular of the Nayru-wanna-be. Yes, very good kitty.

Butt jumped at Nayru's-wanna-be, and I shot at Farore's-wanna-be.

There were two poofs of hot pink sparkles, and the Sues were gone. Butt kindly emptied his bladder on the Nayru-wanna-be's Sue dust pile and then pranced over to me. His tail was flicking in triumph, and I saw him give MPD a calculating look. I aimed a kick at him in greeting, and he hissed at me in return before taking off.

I shrugged a little when I saw all the worshipper-boys acting like this was an everyday thing, and walking away. This town must have way too many murders if all of the people are so desensitized to it.

Scary.

MPD was giving me a wide eyed look as I picked my arrow out of the Farore-wanna-be's Sue dust pile and shoved it into my quiver. "Who's cat was that?" he asked, looking a little shaken. The puppy licked his hand and then sneezed on him.

"My Butt," I replied, backtracking out of the square to look for more Sues/Stus.

"Your... Butt? What do you mean?" He jogged up to walk even with me.

"My cat is named Butt. He is mine. Thus, he is 'my Butt'."

"Oh... What's your name?"

"It's debatable."

"'Debatable'?"

I turned a corner, and found myself on the long block that led by Jovani's house. I wonder if he's gone shiny yet? I'll have to visit.

"Can you please tell me your name? I'm Jace, my dog's named James, but that Jerry said I should get amnesia, so I guess I don't know my name."

"It's fine. I'll call you Jace. People here know me as Wanderer, or Wanda. Nice to meet you."

We shook hands quietly, and that was that.

Today I was in a white dress with my tan belt around my waist. The dagger was hanging on there, along with the money pouch and waterskin. The dark blue dew rag was holding back my frizzy bangs, and my hair was up in one of its signature crazy bun-like things. My dory was across my back along with my bow and quiver.

"So... Where are we?"

"In The Legend of Zelda series, currently 'bout three and a third years before Twilight Princess begins."

"Really?"

I nodded at him and started towards a clothing shop I'd just spotted across from Jovani's. Jace needed to blend in a little more.

"I haven't even played that yet. I was about to play OoT, if you know what that is."

My glare was spiced with insult. "Yeah, I know. It's the only one I haven't played yet."

"Interesting. Very interesting."

"Sure."

James sneezed on him again. I think I could come to like that puppy.


	3. Chatty Stalks and I Pass Up MiniLinks

**Heh. I own the CRAZIES, MADS, PSYCHES, RABIES, DDR, ADHD, CAT, URC, BBB, ABS, LOL, SS, DERANGED, MADS, (etc. etc.), and the Bug Squishers Anonomyous. Everything else belongs to their respective owners.**

**I would like to ask for some Sues to be donated to the cause. Send a name, description, label, and (if you want) a pet for me to have Wanderer kill/deport, if you will. All Sue-donators will be menioned, and their Sue _will_ get a spot in some chappie or another. To that I solemly sware.**

* * *

I am very bored. Sadly, this was probably something that would happen regularily.

Jace was chatting my ear off, Butt was hissing at James, and I was contemplating torture methods for the Sues in Ordon.

The Kakariko Sues had been simple to kill off. I even filled my purse up a respectable amount when I threatened some random Stu. The idiot ran off screaming about how he'd have his revenge, and ended up pelting right off that weird cliff above the hotel. _That_ was just beautiful. Almost made me laugh 'til I cried.

Jace had proven to be annoying but useful. He was the jealous type, glaring at anything that sent me a look, and he wasn't the strongest window on the building, often getting beaten by me in arm wrestling even though he was fourteen to my thirteen, but he could speak. Speaking with other people was _very_ useful when we were in cities.

But now we were out in the middle of nowhere, and his constant babble was threatening to send me over the edge of sanity.

"So, when will we get there?"

"Two days," I signed tiredly.

"How long have we been on the road?"

"A week."

"What will we do when we get to Ordon?"

"Kill Sues."

"Can you sign more than two sylables?"

"Maybe."

"My feet hurt."

He always went on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and... Well, you get it.

* * *

So, predicatbly, once we got to Ordon Spring, I had an uncontrolable twitch in my eye and a deep need to rip out his vocal chords.

Do you blame me, really?

Creeper Elf was sitting on the platform of his house with some Sue, of whom I chucked a throwing star at and somehow managed to make go poof. How, I'll never know.

Astonishingly, Creeper Elf snapped out of his lovey-dovey state and looked down at me. He blinked once, twice, three times...

I was up to 'bout twenty-three when he finally remembered me.

"You're that one Wanderer girl, right?"

I heard Jace growl, and Butt kindly did what I silently wanted him to: bit Jace very hard in the ankle. Let it now be known that I love my crazy kitten, even if he's evil, malicious, bloodthirsty, and just plain rude.

Creeper Elf went right on, completely oblivious to what had just happened. "Colin will be so happy to hear from you. I'm sorry we have to meet like this again. I believe I didn't get to introduce myself last time."

He jumped down from the platform, and the Chatty Idiot, as I will call Jace, moved in front of me.

They had a mini-glare down, and I took this chance to walk into town. Rusl would probably be pretty amazed to see me still in tact. Now I understand his hesitanticy (if that's a word - there are no dictionaries here for me to check with.) about sending me to the slave driver / trainer man.

I spotted afore mentioned surprised dude, who was indeed surprised to see me with my dory, bow, quiver, cutlasses, and other who-ha on. And then he called to Colin, who was just as cute as ever, and both of them came up to see me.

"Wow, Wanda. Do you know how to use those?" Colin asked.

I nodded.

"Really? That is so cool. Is it hard?"

Vigorous nodding.

Then Rusl jumped in. "Do you want to live here instead?"

I tried to raise an eyebrow at him, but I am unable to raise a single eyebrow. I can wiggle my eyebrows, I can raise both, but I cannot - I repeat, _can not_ - raise a singe eyebrow. It sucks. Royally.

"You wish to continue?" he asked, looking astonished.

I gave him a 'No-Der,-Of-_Course_-I-Do' look.

"How long will you stay?"

I started to sign "Three days." ... Then I remembered that Rusl had no idea what sign language was. Sadly, Chatty Idiot took that time to come up beside me and act all heroic and crap. Creeper Elf was following him, glaring angrily. I sighed silently, not envying my future self. Imagine, traveling with these tards for months on end.

"She says three days, sir," Chatty Idiot translated. Then he puffed out his chest and held out a hand. "I am her guardian, Jace."

I rolled my eyes. Guardian my butt (and not the cat). I'd saved his tush when he'd run off from a Goth Sue, and without me he'd probably have walked off a cliff like the Stu had.

Colin had retreated behind his pap. Good boy. Don't assocoiate with the Chatty Idiot. Back away, and he may not talk your eardrums off. 'May' is the key word in the previous sentence.

Rusl shook Chatty Idiot's hand, a dubious look on his face. "When did you meet her?"

"A week ago, sir."

"And how many times has she saved your life?"

"... Never?"

There was an evil grin from Rusl. "Liar."

"Oh, he is quite the liar, Rusl," Creeper Elf said. "I think we should throw him out of town."

My Goldfish, this was stupid. I sent Creeper Elf a glare, told Chatty Idiot off in sign language, and then gave Rusl a glare for good measure. After that I jogged in the direction of a Sue I'd just spotted hanging out by Talo and Malo's house. I grabbed Colin's hand on the way, and then led him off. I had to keep him from becoming like Creeper Elf or Chatty Idiot. It was imperative to my sanity.

I gave him a mini-lesson on how to kill a Sue, and then let him have the honor of stabbing the thing. He didn't even seem traumatized or mentally scarred (or is it scared? I can never remember...) at all.

I was so proud, and decided that he was going to be dubbed as my own. I even gave him the dagger as a present, since I had my other one, the original from Jerry, in my belt.

Butt ran off and James followed him. That poor puppy was just asking to get his butt kicked.

"D'you wanna have dinner in town?" Colin asked randomly.

I gave him a 'Hunh?' kinda look.

"My entire town gets together every night to eat dinner. I would like to invite you."

I smiled and bobbed my head. My sweet little boy, inviting me to a dinner.

Wait... Was this dinner a dress up type?

... Probably not. After all, this happened nightly.

"Why is that Jace man following you around?"

I shrugged. The word _stalker_ ran through my lil' mind once or twice.

"He's creepy."

I nodded, then steered the cutie off in some random direction. We ended up sitting in Ordon Spring, with Creeper Elf watching from the tunnel and Chatty Idiot stalking in a tree...

That reminds me of something... Eh...

Time to move, Chatty Idiot's getting _that_ look. The one that means his hormornes are rising faster than the zits on his face. Run for your lives!

After evac-ing Colin back into his mother's arms, I set off to put up the tent in Link's yard. Yes, I said _tent_. As in, singular form of _tents_. Chatty Idiot got to sleep in the tent, since it kept him away from me. I usually just slung a hammock up in a tree a good thirty to fourty feet off the ground, since the distance allowed me to sleep in peace and without fear of Chatty Idiot getting huggy in the middle of the night.

_That_ is disturbing.

Thus my sleping arrangements. Plus, they let me scout the area, and kept the stench of sleeping-boy-who-just-ate-far-too-many-beans-for-comfort out of the air around me. Yeah, we usually had to live off of beans, bread, water, and (sometimes, when I could scrounge it up or shoplift it out) cheese. Chatty Idiot was highly flatulent on a diet of beans and cheese, most unfortunately for my nose.

After pitching the tent and scaling up a suitable tree to tie off my hammock, I skipped into town like a drunken lunatic... Where I met none other than Illia. Contrary to popular fanfic belief, she was actually quite kind. A little pushy when it comes to wearing the most in style clothes, somewhat Creeper Elf obsessed, but still kind.

She was humming to herself as she walked through town, but the humming came to an abrupt end when she met li'l ol' me.

Without a second's hesitation, she glared at both Creeper Elf and Chatty Idiot (who'd taken to stalking her in my absence), and dragged me off to her house. The entire way, she was talking my ear of about how amazing it was to finally have someone in town her actual age, even though I looked like crap and had many pointy things on my person that were "unlady-like" and "odd".

But once she saw the state I was in (ie: grimy, Sue dusted, sweaty, and tired), she insisted that I take a bath and let her do my hair. I could just see the cliche coming on. I think I just spelt cliche wrong. I don't think I care. Anyways, I could see the cliche coming. She would do my hair beautifully, I would look exsquisite, I would quit my newfound job, suddenly we would be the best of friends, and then I would take on a Sue-ish life and have sixty Creeper Elf Jrs.

Ugh. I think I threw up. The thought of producing _more_ of those idiots. Eww. Just eww.

Thank whomever's out there that when Illia had me scrubbed up, she decided that my hair was too crazy to leave down. It was braided back simply, only killing two combs in the process. I was quite proud of myself, thank you. Refusing to let her dress/put any make up on me, I was pulled out of her house and hurried over to the lake-thingie. Creeper and Idiot (for short) were no where to be found.

My dewrag was scrubbed up, and returned to its longtime spot on my head. Chatty Idiot appeared out of nowhere, a little 'Hey-Wanda.-Yeah,-I-_Have_-Been-Stalking-You-Today,-But-For-The-Sake-Of-My-Pride-Will-You-Please-Pretend-You-Haven't-Noticed?' smile on his face.

I did no such thing.

"Can you go stalk something else?"

"Nah. You'd miss me too much. Plus, I'm your partner. Your other half. The yin to your yang."

Must... Hold... Back... Puke... "The male side is yang," I managed to sign.

"Yeah, that too. Anyways, I owe you my life, and Jerry says he'll get the people down in the LOONS to turn me into an ugly Stu if I abandon you, so I don't have much of a choice."

"You're already ugly, though."

He glared at me, making a particularily large zit on his face look like a small mountain. "You rude little..."

At this, Creeper Elf popped up. "It's not kind to insult a lady, y'know."

We both shot him a look. If only I could cuss the two of them out. But I settled for the one nearest to me, letting my hands do the smacking - er,_ talking._ Ya'll _know_ that I meant talking.

Well, after that was dinner, and then I curled up in my hammock and slept soundly with the fact that neither Creeper nor the Idiot would find me.

* * *

It was now a couple months since I returned to Ashei and Rephilam, and they'd officially given up on teaching Chatty Idiot to defend himself. Now, they were just using him as a maid, and making him prep all of out foodstuffs. Thank Goldfish that he could cook a respectable and edible meal, and was quite the wiz at making healing potions and salves.

But, since he was basically useless at keeping himself alive in any other areas, they had taken to torturing me even more in practices.

I'd gotten used to getting up before dawn reared its ugly crack, which was a miracle if I ever did see one. A teenager, fully functional before the sun rises? Where are the angels?

Swords... Ugh. I won't even dignify them with mentions.

I still liked spears, now even more so since the Idiot got all freaky around them.

Throwing things and small weapons were the same as last year. I didn't feel especially happy about this, since I love to chuck things at people, but life's life.

And, now, Rephilam had been a dear and added in hand-to-hand combat. I looked like a panda half the time, and still had yet to land a real punch on the old man. Idiot tried to convince me to use one of his 'magical bandages', but I opted for the route that didn't have to deal with torn cloth dipped in some unknown substance. Call me crazy, but I don't trust unnamed liquids.

Twitch was still as psychotic as they come, and despised Chatty Idiot as much as I did. We had a real kinship, Twitch and me. Especially since he would usually nip at Idiot's knees when he mounted the sweet mare Ashei had let him borrow. At those times, I didn't try in the least to control him.

Monsters. I could finally tell a kagroc and a bulbin apart, but now I had to know which one attacked - and how they did so. (Insert uncontrollable sobbing _here._)

Reading and writing... Hmm... I could probably get better at this, if I actually cared to try. For now, I could read Hylian, and write respectably enough in it.

Ashei and Rephilam both were like family. Slave driving family, but family none the less.

So that's how the next year worked out. Chatty Idiot didn't grow on me, James did, Twitch tried to kill me twice, Butt tried three times, I learned a few songs, lost a bit of my sanity, and mastered the art of sailing.

I learned to defend myself (unfortunately, Idiot and Creeper were part of this 'myself') and I killed a good thirty more Sues and Stus when they tried to cross the border. It's like Me-hi-co over here, I sware. No offense, truly. One of my closest friends was Mexican... Once upon a time. Not to say he went all Michael Jackson and bleached himself white, but still... Y'know, I give up.


	4. We're Screwed, Awkward, and Forgotten

We're screwed. Simply put.

'Cause this is very bad.

We have nowhere to go, and nothing but the crap on our backs.

Very, very bad.

I'm fourteen-and-a-half, Chatty is almost sixteen, Butt's cute as can be, James is now a rather large dog, Ashei is twenty-ish, and Rephilaim is in the burning building we're currently evacuating. There's ten feet of snow outside and Chatty is trying to be manly. Ashei is sobbing uncontrollably, a very large wound in her side. Butt's gone back in to find the horses (don't ask how I know), and James has followed him.

Very, very, _very_ bad.

Leaving me as the only one with a functional brain and full use of my body.

So, yeah, we're screwed.

I'm stripping my armour as fast as possible, not really caring if I'm flashing Chatty on my way. I need to get to the stables and get the saddles. All of our emergency things are strapped up on them, and Rephaliam is more than likely to be somewhere near them. Thus, my need for speed.

Chatty tried to get a handful of my shirt to stop me, but both he and I know he's nowhere near fast enough.

"Wanda!" he resorted to calling.

"Clean Ashei up," I signed over my shoulder before ducking around back.

The snow wasn't so deep close to the side of the building, due to the whole 'heat from the flames' thing, so I ran like a bat outta heck along the side. The stables were smoking, and I could see Butt actually giving orders to James. I've never loved that bit of fur more than when he began guiding Twitch and the other horses out.

I sware to whatever god(dess?) you believe in, my Butt actually saluted me from his position on Twitch's back as he rode by.

The saddles were in the back corner, and each had to be pulled out individulally. I was pelting in and out of that stable with little thought in my head other than the basic: _Don't breathe, Am, you're in the smoke. Breathe, you're in air. Don't breathe, Am, you're in the smoke._ Yeah, not real smart, but I'd like to see you do better in the same situation.

Once everything was away from the risk of being burned to a crisp, I hauled the saddles up front and went about calming the horses. Butt and James were having a tactical meeting, judging by the map and complicated charts in the snow around them, while Chatty went about healing Ashei wiht some of his gunk.

No one mentioned Rephiliam.

After the horses were tied up, I set up the tent. There wasn't a non-frozen tree for me to tie my hammock up on, so I resigned myself to getting no sleep for fear of Chatty getting huggy. Chatty finished at about the same time I did, so we joined forces and towed Ashei out of sight of the fire and into the tent. I mean, you could still see the outline of it, but she wouldn't be able to see the flames licking the entrance hall's remains.

As soon as Ashei was settled and tucked in comfortably, I left to keep watch. My trusty bow was up against my side, an arrow loosely strung. I also had a pair of double cutlasses at my sides, but those were only for the things that I couldn't shoot down. Sadly, arrows don't work on everything up in the mountains.

And then the night was quiet. Ashei's sniffles, the fire's crackle, and Butt and James' debate were the only things to be heard. Occasionally, there would be a meow or bark in disdain from Butt of James (respectively) as one of them brought up a particularily stupid idea.

Of course, Chatty had to break the silence. He crashed down next to me, sprawling out to take up as much space as possible. He'd gotten pretty gangly, too, so he could take up some major room. Especially when compared to me, the girl who hadn't yet grown.

"So... Wanda... Where d'ya think we're going?"

I shrugged. Last I knew, Butt and James were duking it out for either Telma's or Ordon.

He gave me a sideways look, probably trying to be coy and mysterious. He actually looked constipated, but I didn't have the heart to tell him. Mostly because I was half dead with supressed laughter.

"Well, _I_ think we should go to Kakariko. That one..."

I blocked him out.

* * *

Butt had won the destination fight, so we were on our way to Castle Town. Ashei was looking much better now, but Chatty confined her to her horse for the trip down, anyways. Some babble about side injuries needing extra care, or whatever. I didn't much listen to his rambling anymore.

Our little party did well down the mountain; Twitch trampled a good number white wolfos that decided it was the time to pop out at us.

In less than two weeks, we were parking the horses in front of Telma's and dismounting. Ashei slid off her horse and made very sure that she didn't look at Rephiliam's ex-mode-of-transportation. I had to tie the gelding up, and as such had to go around into the street to find an extra stall since only three horses could fit in the little spot in front of Telma's.

Chatty, of course, followed. He slipped into his 'Must Look Moronic as I Protect Wanda' mode, and I slapped him out of it. As sweet as his protective-ness sounds to you, it's honestly and absolutley aggrivating to me.

Just imagine trying to snipe out on top of one of Kakariko's cliffs and have some overprotective idiot completely give your position away by screaming towards a _female_ goron: "STOP STARING AT MY WANDA! SHE'S TRYING TO KILL A SUE HERE!"

D'you get it now?

Thought so.

"Wanderer!" I heard someone call. I gave a Twitch-like twitch and glanced towards Chatty, who was going back into his earlier mentioned mode.

Shouts broke out. "Wanderer is here!" and other such crap. How on earth I got to have such a positive reputation when I was basically a contract killer, I'll never know. I mean, I only came down here when the house ran out of necessities, which was once every two or three months.

I groaned silently and glared at Chatty, who was going stupider by the second.

Let's just say Telma's Bar was a God(dess?)send. Telma, her large chest very near obscene, pulled me into a back breaking hug before kinda curling her lip at Chatty. Did I happen to mention how much I love her?

"Here, here. You all must be so tired from your travels. Take a seat - " Ashei and I hesitated a tad while Chatty flew towards the nearest table " - anywhere girls. I have some house specialty for the pair of you... And James, too."

Chatty made a sound. "My name's Jace."

Telma's sharp eyes crinkled. "Oh, I know."

Oooooh, diss.

I started laughing, hard. Chatty turned an interesting shade of puce. Ashei cracked her first smile since Rephiliam went bucket kicking.

We stayed at Telma's for a grand total of three nights, all of which I explored her massive pot cllection (as in the one above her bar, so I could hang my hammock, not the one I know ya'll are imagining) and killed any Sues/Stus that made the mistake of flashing red behind my eyeballs.

On the fourth morning, I sighed and dropped myself onto one Chatty Idiot and his sleeping roll (to break my fall), and bought all the dried goods we'd need to make it to Ordon from a bleary eyed Telma.

Chatty didn't like his awakening, but he knew the look on my face from our many months of travelling together. You get to know a person real well after a long time of walking side by side across many a field. I knew which buttons of his to press and which ones were potentionally apoctalyptic. I knew him better than I've ever known anybody. After a while, it just gets like that, y'know. It's odd.

Sorry for that indepth babble there. God(desses?), I'm turning into Chatty. The world's gotta be ending.

Anyways, the look. Yeah.

He'd told me that it was the 'C'mon Jace, It's Time to Go, 'Cause I Just _Know_ All This Shit's Gonna Hit the Fan' look, which made me fall out of my hammock the first time I heard. Then I thwacked him a few times for cussing in my 'innocent' prescense.

Yeah, we have a real loving relationship. You know you aren't envious.

So. Now we get to now.

It's night time on South Hyrule Field, and those zombie-dogs-with-a-name-I-can't-be-bothered-to-remember-yet have decided to pop up before us and circled the tent/tree complex. I was in the branch above my hammock, bow at the ready and weighing the options. Either I could waste valuable arrows and shoot them down with little energy, or I could save arrows and cutlass them into tiny bits...

Let's have some fun, shall we?

I swung down branch by branch, making sure to get all of the zombie doggies' attention so that they would make a nice landing pad when I did that last drop.

I'll spare you the details, but I'll tell you that twenty-plus zombie doggies is a far funner (Is that even a word?) battle to have than fighting twenty-plus Sues/Stus.

* * *

I really wish I could whistle. I really do.

But I resorted myself to playing the flute highly off key, a tip to Chatty to firmly shut the hole in his face. He did... Until he opened his mouth and began softly singing along.

"_I've heard there was a secret chord_," he began.

My eyes narrowed. He _didn't_ sound like crap. What kind of illusion was _this_?

"_That David played and it pleased the Lord._"

And how did he know my song? This song was mine. _MINE!_

_"But you don't really care for music, do yah?"_

I think my mind is gonna blow. Chatty was actually sounding good as he got stronger.

"_It goes like this:  
The fourth, the fifth,  
The minor fall, the major lift.  
The baffled king composing hallejulah._"

Seriously, what was going on here?

"_Hallejulah, hallejulah.  
Hallejulah, halleju-u-u-ulah."_

I wasn't really liking this. It was far too Sue-ish.

"_Your faith was strong, but you needed proof.  
You saw her bathing on the roof."_

Y'know, the mute girl and the older guy doing a not-half-bad duet as they walked through a mostly empty field.

"_Her beauty and the moonlight...  
Overthrew you."_

Too fishey. Far too fishey.

_"She tied you to the kitchen chair.  
She broke your crown.  
She cut your hair.  
And from your lips she drew the hallejulah."_

As he went through the 'Hallejulah's, I pondered the whole out-of-body-experience feel that this had. We finished the song, and then dropped off into that semi-awkward silence that could only mean that Chatty was thinking that we should do this in town or money. He looked at me, probably taking in my dewrag and zombie doggie encrusted clothes. I looked at him, his crazy red hair flying everywhere and, and, and...

And I swallowed back barf.

The moment was so Sue-ish, I could hardly believe it. Where's Creeper? Or Rusl? Or Ashei in her desperate campaign to get me to blush? Whatta 'bout the zombie doggies? And...

I hit the dirt, knowing that this was gonna happen before it actually did.

Butt came flying over where my head once was, aimed directly for Chatty. In that moment, I saw red.

Literally.

A Sue fell from the sky, landing with a thud right in front of me. Her hair was some color between red and brown, and her eyes were... Orange? Weird-o.

She tipped her head to the side when she saw me. And (My eyes! My functional eyes!) "_Sarinalindalynevratislya de Renesmee pondered the weidrd annnd shotr girl staring back at her. No doubt that she needed healing - her hair lookedl liked a partikuylarilyu rabies infested raccoon and her eys were a relly boooooooooooooring silvery-greenish-grape-like things."_ flashed above her head.

So that's what I looked like to a Sue?

...

Refreshing.

I smiled pleasantly at her and stuck my dory through her over-large chest. She layered me in hot pink glitter, and I felt much better. Much, much better.

My life just wouldn't be mine if I wasn't coated in grime and saving the universe from going up like an A-bomb, y'know.

Plus, it's been a long time since someone told me that my hair looked like a mammal infested with rabies. The whole 'eyes look like grapes' bit I didn't understand, and I had the sneaking suspicion that I didn't want to.

Butt was still mauling Chatty, looking particularily hungry as he did so. Hon, you should spit that out. You don't know where it's been.

As if he could read my mind (...scary thought...), Butt jumped off Chatty and began licking his paws clean as if he hadn't just inflicted lasting damage on the boy's chest as he clawed towards his heart. Chatty was actually giving Butt fearful looks, and it probably wasn't a healthy amount of blood flowing out of his Frankenstine-esque, shredded-raw-meat-looking chest. Butt returned his look with one raised, furry eyebrow.

I really love my cat.

"Well."

Chatty tore his terrified eyes from my Butt. Wow, _baaaaaaaaaad_ sentence. Very bad, Am. How _dare_ you...

Anyways, Chatty stopped looking at Butt and tuned to me. Then he repeated my earlier sign.

"D'ya want something for that?"

He gave a dry, highly melodramatic chuckle; I knew he'd be fine. "Yeah. It's in Lizzy's saddle bags. Next to the burn salve and blue potion."

"I'm on it."

* * *

Traveling is a tedious business. When you're finally to your destination, it's an amazing feeling to know that you can kick up your feet and not have to pack everything you're kicking up on in the next two hours. It's like coming home after a long vacation.

Pulling into Creeper Elf's yard was a welcome relief. But, of course, what's relief without the reason for it?

As was becoming a tradition, Creeper was being wooed on his front porch by a Sue.

Butt and I exchanged glances. He sighed. I shrugged. A silent conversation commenced that left Chatty speechless and James cross-eyed. Butt and I battled over who would kill the Sue this time.

Needless to say, I lost.

Butt flicked his tail and the Sue was soon nothing more than a gleaming coat of polish over Creeper's tree home.

Creeper was a little quicker to remmber me, this time only taking, say, twelve blinks. In that time, I scaled my usual tree, and secured my hammock. A little chipmunk gave me a curious look and I began petting it. Very soon, I named him Paul and he let me meet his family. We had some nut flavored tea and a bloody marvelous time. Pardon the Brittish.

I had to excuse myself when Creeper finished his blinks and began shouting my name as if he'd never forgotten it.

Yeah, that _is_ the thanks I get for saving his sorry butt. Him forgetting totally and completely about me. Eat your heart out.


	5. Christmas Lists With Kevin and Jesica

**I feel I have done a great wrong to my characters by not updating them during X-mas time, so get ready for: CHRISTMAS IN JULY!**

**Andy, you own Jesica Perfection. May you laugh long and hard at her expense.**

* * *

Today was amazing. Yes, I'd woken up the Creeper and Chatty having a snoredown, but Paul chirpped and offered me some more nut tea, and I felt better.

Because, as I swallowed the oddly good liquid, something hit me. It was something I'd been missing the last couple o' years, even though I'd been keeping count so I knew when my b-day was...

CHRISTMAS!

Christmas should be here in, like, three days!

...

Wait. No one here knew about Christmas, therefore I would not be recieving any presents. Well, that sucks.

But I could still make a song...

Oh the evilness of me.

On the first day of Christmas, my... Hmm.. Hyrule seemes to contain!

Yes, this could work out beautifully.

I saluted Paul and his little chippy babies, reassured little Mary (Paul's chipmunky wife) that the tea was delish, and hoisted myself outta my hammock and to the ground.

There was a moment of silence in the forest as I decided on my plan of action.

Here's my out of order To Do List:

1) Convince Chatty to get me a gift.

2) Make the town all Christmas-ified

3) Find something to act as tree lights.

4) Get presents for the little kids (and Malo...)

5) Find a tree.

6) X-mas songs _have_ to be taught and sung. And there should be a new one in honor of this new dimension.

7) Take the little ones caroling.

8) Keep Creeper at bay.

9) Kill 3 or more Sues/Stus. (Technically: 9-A, 9-B, and 9-C)

10) Kick Butt.

11) ... Maybe eat some good food? ...

So. That's what I've gotta do.

First things first: Number 11.

I crept up the ladder and into Creeper's house, sneaking so he won't wake up. He had sme soup (still) on the stove, which I chucked before going through his pantry. Bread, dried meats, beans, and cheese.

I amost started sobbing right then and there.

Until... I spotted cucco eggs and some flour. And I grinned.

Pancakes are on the menu, boys. It's the only meal I can make that won't kill you.

Humming in my mind, I set about making breakfast for myself, Chatty, and Creeper. Adios, Number 11.

There was a knock at the door. I put my song on pause and tilted my head to listen. Around Chatty and Creeper's snores, anyways.

"Wanda?"

It was my Colin!

I opened the door for him as best I could with my elbows (my hands were a little occupied with moving supplies to the sparse bit of counterspace). It revealed my cute little blode boy, grinning with my ex little dagger stuck in his waistband. He hugged me tight with all his five year old power. God(desses?) my baby had grown in the last year and a bit.

"What're you making?"

"Food," I signed once I dropped the flour, oil, and eggs off at the counter. "D'ya wanna halp?"

By the time we finished cooking, I was hurting from laughing so hard, and Colin had agreed to help with my Christmas-ey campaign.

I sent Colin back home with the first of the pancakes, finished with the cooking, slid a note for Chatty hinting towards Number 1, and left with the dirty laundry for the spring. I was hoping to tackle Number 6 as I scrubbed the dirt from an old pair of pants. Let the Muses smile upon me...

Settling down byt the deeper part of the Ordon Puddle, I began my task.

Okay...

On the first day of Christmas, Hyrule seems to contain:

Er...

The Chatty Idiot stalking from a tree!

Second day...

Man-eating flowers.

What else..?

* * *

An hour later I had it.

On the 12th day of Christmas, Hyrule seems to contain:

Voices named Jerry,  
Sickening slave drivers,  
Psychotic Siamese kittens,  
Cute little boys,  
Sues a dyin',  
Zoras a swimmin',  
Creeper Elves a creepin',  
Green Guerdo kings,  
Tri-Force thirds,  
Lots of bulbins,  
Man-eating flowers,  
And the Chatty Idiot stalking from a tree!

Hold your applause or boos, Numbre Six ain't done yet. Firstly, I got out my flute and tooted a horrid version just to make sure the words fit the beat while the clothes began drying.

Most notes didn't, but I ignored that.

Secondly, I aimed a kick at Butt, who hissed at me in return. Don't give me that look, you have no idea how evil he is. Plus, Number 10 had to get done first.

Thirdly, I began my epic search.

For what, you ask?

Why a Christmas tree. Y'know, Number Five?

Off I trecked, wishing I knew how to whistle so I could whistle "Hi Ho" as I strolled through the forest, axe over my shoulder. The trees here were all very green and video game like, so I picked one I could heft back to my campsite.

Then the perfect tree came into view. It was green, and full of needles, and just perfect. I lovingly swang the axe like an idiot into its base. Squirrels went running, birds went flying, and I had to dodge some poo. Dang sparrows. Forget anything I said about wanting one.

I dragged the tree back, careful not to snap too many branches, and then set it up in Creeper's lawn next to Chatty's little tent. I used rocks to keep the bottom straight, and then we were in business. I wish I had some fae, though, so I could put them up in to act as lights. Maybe candles would work?

There was no corn, however, so I was not able to make popcorn garland... Unless I dipped into my supplies. Don't ask why I have raw corn in my belt, you really don't want to know.

Then I heard something. Something I will always assocoiate with evil.

A giggle.

I shudder thinking of it, even now.

In my head, Pink's _Glitter in the Air_ began to play. The piano was soft, which was weird since I hadn't heard a piano in quite a while. I thought nothing of it, even though this would become a song I played on my flute many a time after a Sue went puff.

It was, most obviously, a Hylian Warrior Sue. According to her author, she "_har the strnhgth of the darkets side_". Yeah, it took me a few seconds to decipher, too_._ Don't feel bad.

She looked me up and down. "Are you some kind of OC that's out to kill Linkie-pooh-sie-dearie-pooh-sie?"

I blinked. Linkie-what?

"AH!" she shouted, her words "_echol ing ds with porew_". What ever that meant. "I HAVE FOLIED YOURE PLOTE! PAPER TOO DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Too late, seeing as I stabbed her through the chest while simultaniously stealing her bottomless belt. Hopefully I could get some Rupees outta this one.

Ah, those would be good things to hang on the tree, posing as ornaments. And then I could use the rather large pile of Sue dust as a kind of tinsel. Hmm.

An hour later, my tree was done, Numbers 3, 5, and 9-A were completed, and neither Chatty or Creeper had began stalking me yet. However, they had eaten all of my pancakes, which was unfortunate. Chatty had gone back to bed after that, evidently, while Creeper did creepish things.

The tree is more important than Chatty or Creeper, though, so here's what it looks like: It had a kind of sheen to it from the Sue dust, but it was glowing like no tree I'd ever seen. Seriously, I couldn't have lit it up more with my Auntie Croc's swamp lights. Don't ask, you _really_ don't want to know.

The Rupees glimmered in the light of the Sue dust, and some moss that I'd peeled off Creeper Elf's front door acted as garland.

And so I was left alone to mourn my loss of presents. Chatty wasn't likely to get me anything, anyways.

Until Colin came up. My little killer looked unhappy, and I wondered why briefly until I saw a Motherly Sue was following him much like the Chatty Idiot did to me. According to the words over her head, she was "_KYNDLEY BEING LYKE, THE KYNESDS EVR!_". At what? You tell me.

My poor little boy made his way over, the Motherly Sue stalking his every move.

"Wanda?" he managed before the Motherly Sue interrupted him with a swish of her "_RELLY GYBED HARES!_". Believe me, you have no idea how confused I was.

"CHEEEEW WIIIITH YOOOUUUUUUR MOOOUUUUTH CLOOOOOOUUUUDEEEESS!" she "_KYNDLLLEY_" screeched.

What's with the abuse of the capitals and exclamations today?

"Can I kill it, or should I leave it to you?"

I was so proud. My little Colin wanted to murder things.

I beamed at him, and then let him do the honors. He did, and then we both nearly choked to death from inhalation of Sue dust. In the end, my tree got an extra coat of shine, Number 9-B was (semi-) completed, and Chatty woke up enough to realize that he'd missed a lotta crap over the morning.

Colin left as soon as she spotted Chatty, and I didn't much blame him. Heck, I'd be going too if I wouldn't get James complaining about his master's feelings being hurt to me later.

"Wanda, why is there a Christmas tree sitting in front of the tent?"

I smiled brightly at him. So much for the shiny tree distracting him long enough for me to run. Sigh.

"... Why're you looking at me like that?" He glanced around, all paranoid. "Is your Butt waiting for me?"

I blinked. "Hunh?"

"Did I forget something? What's happening?" He was working himself into a tizzy, his words getting more and more slurred as the thoughts went by. "Where's James? Is your Butt okay?"

This was the perfect oppourtunity.

"Yes, yes. I'm fine. It's just..." Here, I pulled a Rusl and paused dramatically. "Christmas is in three days, and I don't think I'm gonna be able to get the little ones _presents_ - " I resisted the urge to cough significantly " - when I still have to decorate town and teach them carols. I was hoping that you'd help me."

He perked up at the thought of teaching carols to a bunch of kids who couldn't call him out on being off key, and very soon promised me that he'd give me a choir of midgets before he was gone. I shrugged, wondering if I would be able to get Numbers 2, 4, 7, 8, and 9-C done before the end of the day.

So... Presents. Presents are highly important for Christmas.

I started out into town, thinking of swinging by Sara's to check in and see if there was anything worth my time in there.

_Glitter in the Air_ began again as I got to the fence at the intersection of Creeper's and Ordon.

I tensed.

There was another giggle.

It probably ended on a note only James could hear.

I swung around wildly, my hand on the sharp axe that had taken down my X-mas tree. In front of me, there was a (_gasp!_) hot pink flash before a _very_ tall girl appeared. There was what looked like a minature orchestra on her back, an absurd (and not to mention inhumanely possible) number of swords at her hips, a (absolutley impossible to keep such a color without bleach) wooshey white dress that possibly reached Castle Town, a pair of heels I would die if I ever tried to walk in, and her rainbow hair in a "_style that was as cute as a gumdrop_".

Hm. So I was gonna check off 9-C before Creeper could even begin his stalking scheme. Today was looking rather good.

Of course, that's when her pet pranced out from behind her.

Do you want my honest thought? Wait, I can't give it to you without raising the rating a few notches.

Let's just say '_Oh crap!_'. It looks far nicer.

The pet was a dragon. A hot pink dragon. With claws to give Butt a run for his money, eyes that made me want to throw a stick and sign '_FETCH, BOY!_', and a curiously shiny horn coming out its face. And it was fricken' _**MASSIVE**_. Seriously, I don't know how it fit in the clearing. And, as if that wasn't enough Sue-ish-ness, it simultaniously burped fire and farted a rainbow.

I dodged the flameball... Then crinkled my nose at the stench of rainbonic flatulence.

Sure, it had nothing on Chatty, but it was still past Auntie Croc's signature 'Road Rashed Skunk Surprise!'. Once more, I implore you not to ask.

Anyways, the pink dragon(/unicorn/cat/puppy)'s rainbow colored farts. Yeah. They blew my hammock into the branches around it. I caught Paul holding his little kids down - literally. It was a general mess up in the tree.

Butt meowed out in the distance, probably getting the scent of Sue up his nose and knowing that I'm in some deep crap. Here, Kitty kitty kitty. Come save your mistress' skin.

"_Jesica looked around the clearing, her cotton candy eyes landing on an unfortunate-looking OC from behind Jacob-Edward's teeny form_" flashed before me.

The freakishly tall Sue leaned around her dragon, who gave her the best pair of puppy(/dragon/unicorn/cat) eyes I've ever managed to keep my barf in for. So this 'Jacob-Edward' author was certainly a rabid Twilight fan that thought they could slip into a video game called '_Twilight_ Princess' without anyone noticing.

"Where's my boyfriend, OC?" she demanded in a "_lovely, melodic hum_".

Wait. Her author can spell? Mine just had trouble spelling 'author'. Truly, she had to hit backspace about twenty times... Only to type 'auhtyr' or 'suthir' in the cleared space. Life sucks.

_And_ I'm screwed for the second time in two chappies, aren't I?

**Probably. No 9-C for Amara.**

Don't use my real name.

**Why not? Amara! Amara! Amara!**

I'm in the middle of a soon-to-be-battle-scene, Ms. Authoress. Please just type it up.

**Only because I'm the best authoress you'v - **

Yeah, yeah. Just get on with it.

***blinks at computer screen, confused* ... How did you cut me off?**

I dunno. It was kinda cool, though.

**That it was, Amara. That it was. *cracks knuckles and warms up like a marathon-er* Now...**

"OC, can you hear me? You better not be one of those annoying OCs with a boyfriend you dragged in here and then you started sharking_ my_ man when you got bored of the poor fool." Her large nose crinkled up and a few of her rainbow hairs lifted a little at the thought. "I _hate_ those people."

Taking a wild leap, and since this was a Sue there wasn't much of a chance that she couldn't understand, I signed, "I'm not one of those people. Believe me, the males here aren't on my menu. Who are you?" I batted my eyelashes and pretended not to be sizing up her Twilight refrence as it scratched itself with one of its rear legs like James tended to.

The Sue drew herself up proudly. "_I_, OC, am Jesica Perfect." She took a Rusl-like dramatic pause. "And I control the Tri-Force of Time."

"Isn't it just Love, Power, and Courage?"

She glared at me with her _"lovely rainbow tresses in a beautiful style_"_._ Why on earth her hair had to come into this was far beyond me.

"You think you're being smart, OC? Disrespecting me like this?" Her pink eyes narrowed. There was a _long_ moment of silence between us as the Twilight creature began chasing it's scaley pink tail. Why must there be so much pink? "I'll have you know that I am a Tri-Force Sue, and therefore farther up the Non-Cannon Chain than your are. It goes Emo Sue, OC, Regular Sue, then Tri-Force Sue."

O-kay. The Twilight thing farted another rainbow into existance, and nearly blew Paul and his family out of the tree.

"Are you even _listening?_"

"Of course I am." What's her name? Jemina? No, that's syrup... Oh well, I'll just brown nose until my cat gets here. "Inam jusut os mezmirisef by you're beatuy." I threw in some mis-spellings so she would just think me a stupid mute OC. I've found it's always helpful to be underestimated.

She raised a finely plucked, rainbow eyebrow. "You aren't that bright, are you OC?"

"Nope."

"What is your name, servant?"

Since when did I agree to be a servant? Not happening. "I ma ownnde by noone. Buuut, my namee is... " Crap. What fake name shall I give her, since she sure as heck ain't getting the name everyone here knows me by.

"_Is...?_" she "_prodded gently to the obviously unintelligent OC_". Prodded gently my butt. More like screeched horribly, forcing even her Twilight creature to cower and cover its pink ears.

"Issss..." Something girly... "Hildeguarde." Real girly, Am. Real girly.

Syrup Sue, as she will now be known, gave me a stare. "Hildeguarde?"

I nodded quickly. "Hildeguarde."

"What is your story, Hildeguarde?"

Let's see what I can pull out my butt... "I have had a mos unpleasant life. My mother - " something sad, something sad " - abused me. I was a maid, forvced to do the whilms of teh rest of the houser. My father left me ta birth, determnde to pertend aI didn't ever exist." I paused, faking looking off at something only I could see. "Then the Goddesses defcidid to take away me fo,r my hoirible lfie, and lft me here,. I dont have nowheree to gp, adn njoone tosa lurve em. Butt lfee could be worsed. Mchu srewose"

Syrup sorted through my babble at an admirable rate, then got a glare on her face that I didn't like. It was described as "_a look only the kindest, most giving people to ever walk Hyrule could give to those lesser than them_", but I saw it as more 'I-Can-Use-This-To-My-Advantage' look.

"_Softly, with the voice of an_" dying "_angel_", she screeched, "Do you know how to defend yourself, Hildeguarde?"

Crap. Again. "... Yes...?"

"Good. You will be my bodyguard."

"No."

She glared. "Yes."

"No."

Syrup was turning a curious shade. "Yes!"

"No."

The Twilight creature shook its head, giving me a 'Don't-Break-Now,-OC,-'Cause-You'll-End-Up-Like-_Me_' look. I spotted Butt crouching on Creeper's porch, a drooling Chatty and Creeper in tow. Good kitty.

"_YES!_"

I gave her a level glare. "No."

"**_YES!_**"

The Twilight creature looked at her, I mean _really_ looked at her, and scrunched its scaley snout. A fire burp singed the tips of her hair as it flew into the rock wall behind Epona's 'stables'. It looked kinda surprised.

"No."

And Butt jumped. The Twilight creature dove towards me. Syrup opened her ugly mouth.

Everything did that slow-mo thing that movies just love.

The Twilight creature landed hard on me. I felt the breath _woosh_ outta me as all its massive pink bulk crouched over your darling blondness. Butt did his thing, but Syrup didn't go poof. She just went away with an earsplitting '_pop!_' and an outward burst of sparkles that cut like knives everything in its path.

Time went back to normal. Butt was lying on his side in a crater, bleeding heavily. Twitch was looking more paranoid than usual. Lizzy was looking uncomfortable but unscathed. Chatty had a few cuts on his face, as did Creeper. James wasn't in this clip.

Oh, and the Twilight creature was looking as fine as ever from his perch on my fricken' ribcage. I tell you, working for a breath under that pink thing was one of the most trying things I'd done this week.

It looked at me for a few moments, finally noticing the slightly purple twinge to my face from lack of air, and stepped away.

I sucked in air for a bit before sitting up. The Twilight creature was still big and scaley and pink and puppy eyed and cat clawed (which is probably why I have eight holes in my chest at the second) and unicorn horned.

We had a few minutes of silence. Then I reached out to touch its horn, since I'm blonde and shiny things attract me, even through a chest full of broken ribs.

And next I knew, I had my hand on some dude's forehead. I knew right away (without the pink flash, thanks) his dude wasn't a Stu. He was someone I vaguely recognized. Someone I missed from time to time.

I pulled back my hand. "Kevin?"

He blinked at me owlishly from behind his glasses. "Ara?" he signed.

Holey flying piles of crap.

Of course, Chatty had to wreck the moment.

"Why did you defile my Wanda?" He was holding my dory with absolutley no form what so ever, and trying his best to be manly. It wasn't working. Kevin didn't read his lips, so he had no idea why this crazy redhead was waving a long spear in his face.

I sighed through the nose and turned to Chatty. "This is Kevin. A deaf kid from my old life. Drop the dory, since both you and I know you can't use it at all. And I'm not yours. That's a very annoying habit you've slipped into."

His jaw worked as he looked from me to Kevin and back. Then he handed me my dory and stomped off to Butt's side. I rolled my eyes and pulled myself into a standing position using the dory as a staff.

Ah. Damn.

Three or four ribs were bruised. Maybe broken.

AKA: it really hurt to stand.

How on earth I ignored the pain for this long is beyond me, but it certainly made itself known now.

I swayed woozily and stumbled over to Twitch.

Must get to alchohol.

Drink away pain and thoughts of Chatty having to see my torso as he bandaged me up.

Mechanically, I rifiled through my stash, noticed I was going through Chatty's undies since this was actually _Lizzy_ I was standing next to, cursed to myself, and decided to filch from Chatty's supplies.

No, I'm not an alcoholic. I just dislike being in pain, and there sure ain't no Advil in this time to dumb it down.

"Wanda?"

I growled (silently, of course) and ignored Chatty.

"You're hurt, aren't you?"

NO!

Chatty carefully turned me, took notice of my highly shallow breathing, and began asking questions at super speed. "How many broke? Which ones? When? What side? Have you swigged anything yet?"

I answered as best I could.

So much for the rest of my To Do List.

* * *

When I woke up, I had a splitting headache, three guys leaning over me, morning breath, and the overwhelming urge to kill whomever had removed my shirt.

Bad sentence. Very bad sentence.

Somebody - Kevin, most likely - had the foresight to wrap some cloth around my upper chest. The rest of my torso was gauzed up and feeling like a corset was tied into place.

But my ribs were repaired. I knew that immediatly. Which means I also knew that Chatty had rubbed his unidentified paste on me without express permission. Which meant only one thing was in store for him.

Chatty recognized my look, and tried to skedaddle outta there. He failed, seeing as Butt was guarding the door.

"Get belt," I signed, my ribs giving a twinge.

He nodded and forked my leather belt over. I dug out some mint leaves, chewed them up, grabbed some salt to throw over my shoulder (for luck, 'cause Lord knows I need some), and then I plucked a blade sharpener out.

The makeshift minishirt stayed firmly in place when I sat up, but I could feel air on my shoulders. Which means the very top of my good ol' practice scar was open to the world. Kevin was giving its puckered top a wide eyed look.

Thank God(desses?) my little dagger-on-a-chain that I bought year-and-a-half-ish ago (see chappie two) was still in its resting place at my chest. I plucked it out of the minishirt and unsheathed it. Chatty's eyes got big and he skittered towards the farthest corner of the tent.

I snorted to myself and hunkered over, which kinda hurt in my rib reigon, and began to sharpen the blade at an omnious pace. Once sharp enough for my intended deeds, I rose slowly and began over to Chatty.

"Sit down, please."

He was shaking as he followed my instructions. Kevin's gaze was still on the (gigantor) bit of scar tissue he could glimpse. Creeper had exited the tent as discreetly as he could manage, nearly kicking Butt on his sprint through he flap/door.

"Please, no. I won't ever do it again, Wanda. Please."

I began cutting his red hair, thankful that he'd washed it recently so my blade didn't get all gunked up. After I was finished, there was a Chatty with significantly shorter hair, a _still_ wide eyed Kevin, and a crick in my wrist.

"Can I go now?"

I cleaned my blade on my pants and replaced it in its sheath. Then I flicked the hair away from his shoulders and patted him once on the head.

He was out of the tent faster than I'd ever seen him go.

Now I turned to Kevin, who really shouldn't be here. Especially as a pink dragon/puppy/cat/unicorn hybrid.

"Why did that Jace keep caling you Wanda?" he signed.

"'Cause the people here think I have memory loss, and I've been named Wanderer in light of such. How'd you get here?"

"D'you remember Jessie? Jessie Dungread?"

I nodded.

"She's the one who wrote up Jesica Perfect. She's been chasing me for a date since you left - which was about two years ago, I'll have you know - and now she's discovered fanfiction. Y'know how we were such Zelda freaks, so she thought that pretending to like gaming would get me on her side. No such luck. Are you okay?"

"I've been better, thanks. But how would Jessie and fanfiction get you stuck in here? Especially like that?"

"She wrote up Jessica Perfect, then made a character based off me over in the Twilight fanfic area. Then, next thing I know, I'm over here as a pink... Thing... And I see you, all tired and dirty and crazy-haired and _alive_. It was a miracle, I sware. Then I notice that psychotic cat - Jace said he was your butt or some such nonsense - jump at Jessie, and I tried to tackle you to keep you from the glittery razorblades that she threw last time something killed her. You saw the next bit, until you'd gotten drunk - which is really bad for you, y'know.

"Anyways, Jace told me that I broke your ribs, which I feel absolutley horrible for, and then dragged you into the tent. I came in just as he took off your... Well, yeah... And then I saw all the little scars on your stomach, and then he went and rubbed stuff from a jar on you, and then Link came in, and then Jace got all protective and tried to shoo him out, and then - "

I grabbed his hand to keep him from continuing to babble, since he was obviously embarassed out of his mind, and I didn't much feel like having my shirtless, catamose form described to me by a boy I basically saw as my brother.

"Yeah, yeah. I get it. We'll just get Jerry to send you back home, and then you can pretend this was all some crazy dream."

"What, and have Jessie come after me again? No thanks. Plus, I've missed you a lot - the teachers haven't even quite stopped mourning you."

"Don't dramatize."

"I'm not."

We had a 'Whomever-Breaks-This-Gaze-Is-The-Person-Who-Admits-They're-In-The-Wrong' down and Butt eventuially got bored and forced the pair of us out the door.

I took the hint and glanced around. It was early morning, meaning that there's only two days 'til Christmas. And also meaning that I had to do my morning warmups. Sigh.

The ribs protested this idea heartily, but I gritted my teeth and worked through it. Rephiliam would've been so proud. He really would've.

I began with stretches, during which Kevin threw me odd looks and Twitch twitched. James was still gone, but I suspect Butt had gone off to find him.

Moving on to my cutlasses, I began just kinda checking out as I did my routine faster and faster. It didn't take much concentration - up, spin, down, horizontal, verticle, singles right, singles left, spin with both, specialties, singles on both sides, footwork, doubles, jumps... Okay, it doesn't take much concentration for _moi_. But that's only because I've been doing this for quite a while now.

During this time, I looked at my To Do List, Revised.

1) Make sure Chatty got me a gift.

2) Make the town all Christmas-ified

3) Get presents for the little kids (and Malo...)

4) X-mas songs _have_ to be taught and sung. And my new one should be unvieled.

5) Take the little ones caroling.

7) Keep Creeper at bay.

8) Find a way to contact Jerry.

9) Freak Ilia out with my darling, deaf Kevin.

10) Get caught up on the outside world by said dear, deaf Kevin.

11) Get you to see if there was, indeed, a Number 6.

12) Laugh at you when you realize that there is, indeed, no Number 6.

I skipped bow-work all together, along with most of my other chores. Then I snatched a shirt out of my belt and pulled it on.

Today, my list will be comepleted.

And, indeed, it was.


End file.
